For God’s Sake, Stop It!

Snow, Snow, Snow

Click me for a panorama of winter panic

I know, I know. This image looks familiar. You’re tired of seeing snow on my blahg. I’m tired of seeing snow out my window. It just doesn’t stop. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore! And this is coming from a dyed-in-the-wet-wool-socks snow lover. If I were a kid again and my father were shoveling the walk and snow-blowing the driveway while I stood in the doorway, a cup of hot chocolate warming my hands, instructing him in the proper method of snow removal, everything would be fine. But now it’s me who has to shovel that son-of-a-bitch-ing walkway, knock snow off the huge yew bushes with a too-short broom, and worst of all, carry bags of seeping, malodorous trash over snowbanks at least as tall as me–not very successfully, I might add. (You try getting the stains and stenches of soured milk, rendered duck fat, and a moldering chicken from the back of the fridge out of your only winter jacket, and then look me in the eye and say, “But it’s so pretty outside, David.”) I don’t give a rat’s ass if it’s pretty and cozy and safe. My detestation of manual labor and laundering has far outstripped my love of the white stuff. 

I never thought I’d say this, but I want heat. I want sticky sweat on the back of my neck. I want long–long as in vernal-equinox-long–days. Hell, I’d even cut the grass with the push lawnmower if it meant I didn’t have to go through another winter like this. Of course, the biggest joke is that I’m trapped in this house and I can’t even make some of those incredible snowbound dishes like Blizzard Beef, Roast Pork in Milk, or Roast Chicken with Pancetta and Olives. No, Brilliant Me didn’t go shopping to prepare for the storm, because as of bedtime last night, nary a snowflake had fallen. So instead I’m stuck with Lean Cuisines, ancient frozen skinless chicken breasts, and a few boxes of pasta from Eataly–and no sauce. (Note to self: Tell The One what a genius idea it was to clean out the pantry, fridge, and freezer before we went away to Charleston for a long weekend.)

Oh, go ahead, ignore me. It’s fine. I’ll just sit here in the dark and bitch. Oh yeah, didn’t I mention the power went out again? At least I have Devil Cat to keep me warm.

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Comments
Comments
  1. Sofia Reino says:

    David, not quite sure if to non-stop laugh or cry with you. Laugh cause this is one of the very best and funny posts from you. Best as it is so straight-forward, to the point, no sugar-coating it! Yet I can so relate with you. This sweet, white stuff outside is getting to me too. Beautiful photos, postcards but enough please! I want sun, warmth, garden…

    • David Leite says:

      Sofia, thank you. But at least you were smart enough to drive to the store and get the ingredients for Blizzard Beef. And your photos, which have been on my desktop for a few days, aren’t helping the situation, as I lick peanut butter from a spoon and contemplate eating canned cannellini beans with an expiration date of 2011.

      Sofia's Blizzard Beef

      • Sofia Reino says:

        Well now it makes me sad to imagine you drooling over photos (still funny though!). The good news is that our snow here is FINALLY melting which means that within 2 days you will get our warmer weather!

        • David Leite says:

          They’re saying we’re supposed to have temperatures in the 50s tomorrow. I don’t know if I believe them. If the power goes off again they may find a very frozen and hungry Fatty Daddy.

      • Lindsay Ishmael says:

        Excuse me please… but what is Blizzard Beef? I’m from the south… an inch and a half is a blizzard to us :D but that beef looked amazing!!!

        • David Leite says:

          LOL, Lindsay. If you click on the link for Blizzard Beef, you’ll see an old video of The One and me making an old family favorite. It’s just a silly name we gave this very easy dish.

  2. Well….hopefully the power won’t go out! (Sorry, couldn’t help myself!)

  3. Oh, man. The power is out. How are you writing? We were without power for 5 days at least three times in the past 10 years. I feel for you! It is no fun!

    • David Leite says:

      I was using my iPad as a wireless hub. And, yes, sadly we’ve had more than five days without power, too. I think in total, we’re looking at 14 or 15–in the past year.

  4. Clearly the only option is to mix yourself a nice cocktail and ride it out. What are you drinking?

    • David Leite says:

      Well, I wanted to drink the newly christened Fatty Daddy cocktail, but I don’t have all the ingredients. (Jesus, this is embarrassing.)

  5. Lean Cuisines?! Who are you?

  6. Ivan Plumridge says:

    I just got through reading your blawg out lout to my ‘The One’……… he laughed his ass off as did I actually. NOT laughing at your predicament, but rather at your up front and out front writing style – love it. I WILL have to add here though we are from Canada – actually South Western Ontario – and right now the ground is almost bare – I think the high today was 40F or there abouts. Seems like you folks are getting the ‘nasty shit’ thrown at you while we ‘up north’ are enjoying the balmy weather. I’m not going to complain about that at all – have not lost power this winter, nor have we had, what I’d call, a heavy snow. GO FIGURE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • David Leite says:

      I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I will get you, Ivan. I will get you. This winter alone we lost power countless times and have been in the dark for days on end. I promised myself I wouldn’t move to Canada if Mitt Romney became president. Now I’ll have move to Canada if we have another winter like this. I have good friends in New Brunswick and Toronto!

      • Ivan Plumridge says:

        I must admit – we live in the ‘banana belt’ of the region. Usually get very mild winters but make up for it in the more than humid summers. That being said, wouldn’t trade it. I’m sure you’d be more than welcome if you ever decided to uproot and head this side of the border. Know Toronto fairly well – that’s where ‘my the one’ is from – however have not made it out to the Maritimes – YET! Hope the situation is improving for you – it’s ONLY supposed to get to 5 or 6 C here today – that’s about 41 F I think. YEAH YEAH – I know still rubbin it in!!!! LOL

  7. Susan says:

    That older can of beans + broth + a carrot + a potato + chicken + pasta = soup. Just run back out into the yucky snow and throw a cast iron pot on the grill with those ingredients, shut the cover and set the timer. That is if your grill runs on gas and isn’t empty. Pantry dinner! ;0

    • David Leite says:

      That’s a great idea, but there is no broth, no carrot, and no potato. The grill is propane, and the tanks were brought to the store in the fall. Yes, I’m in that proverbial creek without that proverbial paddle.

      • Susan says:

        Oh my! How about bean dip? Anything to dip – packaged crackers stuffed in a drawer from carry out? ;0

        • David Leite says:

          I was thinking about whizzing the beans, a little bit of garlic, and some dried oregano and eating it with a spoon.

          • Susan says:

            Well, I’m almost embarrassed to say that despite today’s welcome 50 degree weather, a fully stocked pantry and fridge and absolutely no excuse NOT to cook, that we had take-out Chili from Wendy’s….. But ‘m saving the included saltine crackers for the next snow storm. ;0

  8. Martha in KS says:

    Hopefully the last of our snow from the past two weeks will finish melting this weekend. I too am Sooooo sick of it. Now they’re going to mess with my body clock with the stupid daylight savings time. Time for us to revolt & put an end to this craziness!

    • David Leite says:

      I don’t know why, Dorothy, but I never think of Kansas as a snowy place. Tornados, yes, snow, no. And as far as DST, I hope you stayed in bed an extra hour….

      • Martha in KS says:

        Luckily “tornado alley” has moved south & we have far fewer twisters than years ago. We got 20+” of snow in a week this year. I had no problem paying for hunky guys to shovel me out – twice! It’s going to be 60 on Saturday. In KS we say “if you don’t like the weather, wait a day and it will change.”

  9. Judith says:

    All winter I have been wanting to curse my cousin who lives in Georgia and gets all excited every time there is snow forecast for NYC, where I live. Today I just sent him a link to you blog. I am sick of winter, sick, I tell you.

    • David Leite says:

      Judith, and did he answer with some terribly Southern, terribly pithy reply? And NYC in a snowstorm is the worst. Well, AFTER the snow storm. It’s white for a millisecond.

  10. Beth says:

    Aw, doll, I offer my commiseration. The two hours spent shoveling the other morning took a lot of the sheen off of the “Oh, the snow is so pretty” from the day before.

    Life would be much easier if we had the ability to blink, “I Dream of Jeannie”-style, provisions into our homes.

    Be sure to hydrate, please.

    • David Leite says:

      Funny, when I was a kid I used to run around our neighborhood blinking away the bad things.

  11. Susan says:

    Whoa! With all that steam coming off your neck, take that rant outside and you’ll melt all the damn snow. ;)

  12. June says:

    Commiserations. As a former New Yorker (Westchester area) now living in the UK for 9 years, I thought I’d left the white stuff behind. This winter has been the worst in years and years and after seeing my daffodils covered with snow this morning, I’m ready to make Blizzard Anything. No one here even has snow tires.. they live in a dreamworld of Downton Abbey.

    • David Leite says:

      Wait, June. You don’t all live in Downtown Abbeys, where the snow fall gently upon former enemies who are now lovers destined to be married only to have him killed in a car crash that upsets the very female and gay viewership of PBS?

  13. Jamie says:

    Wait…wait…wait… I cannot find my damn violin. Seriously, do you know how many years in a row I have been begging, praying, dancing for snow? That huge blizzard a couple years ago that had every single city, town and village all over Europe from top to bottom buried under white?… well, it was dry and snowless in Nantes. And only in Nantes. Boo hoo I want snow. I’ll even help take out the trash. But you know, you can always join me down in Florida in April.

    • David Leite says:

      Well, then, Jamie, you’re just going to have to come around in the winter more often and get your neige kicks!!

  14. bridget350 says:

    I feel exactly the same, yet totally the opposite, about our Houston summers. I’ll have to come back and read this post in August. ;)

  15. Greg Martin says:

    We got all rain here on Cape Cod Bay. The crocus are rearing their beautiful purple and yellow heads, and the Lenten roses are particularly rich and sturdy, and some daffodil buds are showing, and the birds are building nests in their houses, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….

    Oh and David…try decaf. xo

    • David Leite says:

      Because you’re one of my oldest friends, I’ll refrain from profanity. All I can say is, “Bless your heart….”

  16. Ellen says:

    David, I think you’re overlooking the thing about snow we loved most as kids: SNOW DAYS!!!! Those unplanned days off from school were like the tray of petits fours that arrive on the table after dessert at good restaurants. Unexpected and SOOOO luscious. It was our parents who had to worry about provisioning in advance so there would be food in the house.

    • David Leite says:

      Ellen, if I were kid, I would have been playing in the snow in a heartbeat. Being the homeowner that I am, I just wanted to crawl under the bed until May! Why is it the playfulness has an inverse relationship to responsibilities?

  17. Angie says:

    David — Just come to South Carolina! We’d love to have you here —

    P.S. I love the orange cake with olive oil!

    • David Leite says:

      Angie, I was in Charleston last week, and even though it was cold, I was in love. It was a beautiful place.

  18. nickelmoon says:

    I have a guest house in Los Angeles. It’s currently empty. It has a full kitchen and wifi. Max stay is 3 days, unless you cook. And I hear you cook. You can bring the cat. :)

    • David Leite says:

      nickelmoon, be careful of what you offer, my dear. Be careful of what you offer. I’ll cook….if you clean up!

  19. Oh David, I’m struggling to sympathise right now. In fact I’m just struggling. It’s 1.23 am and I can’t sleep because it’s so hot – 80.6F to be exact. We’ve been cooking for well over a week – the temperature hasn’t dipped below the low 90′sF for the last 8 days. And I’m fed up with that!

    • David Leite says:

      lambsearsandhoney, what i wouldn’t give for a little of that. “Little” being the operative word. I hope the weather breaks, and it’s crisp and cool for you. What have you been cooking for a week?

    • Martha in KS says:

      David, time for us to go “down under” where it’s warm!

  20. Agh. I am clueless about this snow stuff. Living in California as I do, I don’t ‘get it’ about life in winter. I’ve lived in four-season countries and it was ‘fun’ but now…why? I like temperate weather. For gods sake, my retirement plans are the Philippines. I also ‘get’ that people endure bad weather because MOVING simply doesn’t occur to them as an option…which is another mystery. But that moving option usually applies only in ones 20s or at retirement time.

    I’m sure your spring and fall are lovely.

    • David Leite says:

      And I urge you to remain clueless, dontcallmeachef. The moving question did came up this year. Until now it was never a bother. But this has been a particularly prickly winter. And I guess my damn age is showing.

  21. Ling Teo says:

    A moldering chicken, David? I’m concerned…

  22. cosgrove says:

    I’m late on this thread, but… about those beans with the expiration date of 2011. Did you see Harold McGee’s column in Slate the other day on aging canned goods? Maybe you’ve got a rare vintage just coming into its own!

    • David Leite says:

      cosgrove, perhaps I should hold onto it for another 10 years and then hold it up at a dinner party and say, “2011. That was an excellent year for beans.”

  23. I’m guessing you weren’t entirely happy when you looked out the window this morning? Stay warm, my friend!

    • David Leite says:

      Are you kidding? I kept the shades drawn. I had to trudge back from CT last night in my cloth Crocs. My feet were wet almost up to my ankles.

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