It’s raining, I’m pouring,
My husband is snoring.
The baby’s fed, her dad’s in bed,
Now Mommy will drink to the morning!
Congratulations, and welcome to parenthood! Babies are a miracle, yes, but even miracles poop. A lot. Thank goodness she’s got your twinkling eyes, he’s got your perfect smile, and we’ve got your aching back.
Grab a rocking chair and get ready to rediscover your favorite childhood characters from classic nursery rhymes, all grown up now and facing the same wonders and woes as brave little you. The following concoctions range from sweet to tart, but each is delicious enough to serve at an actual grown-up gathering. Which you’ll be throwing again in about 18 years, when you finally turn the nursery into a home gym.
Till then, lose the rattle, pick up a shaker, and throw yourself an extremely quiet party. Especially if you’ve finally gotten the baby to sleep, which is always worth toasting to. Move over, Mother Goose.
Mary had a little dram, little dram, little dram,
Mary had a little dram, her face was all aglow.
And every time the baby napped, baby napped, baby napped,
Every time the baby napped that dram was sure to flow.
Ring around the rosé,
Not allowed to doze, “Hey!”
Date night! Date night!
We all fall down.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Chances are, after having read the above, you understand perfectly why we’re telling everyone we know of childbearing age about this book, which is Tim Federle’s latest treatise for new parents. What the author has obviously—and cleverly—done is rewritten 20 well-known, singsong-y childhood nursery rhymes in deference to the reality of parenthood and accompanied each with some words of commiseration. Actually, there’s words of inebriation as well if you count the really quite lovely cocktail recipes accompanying each rhyme—we’re talking elderberry and Prosecco, people, so you’re going to want to get your hands on a copy of the book. The charming, if hiccup-inducing, collection is titled Hickory Daiquiri Dock: Cocktails with a Nursery Rhyme Twist. Though it may not be in contention for a Pulitzer, the liquid encouragement will no doubt bring laughter, and we ask you, which is more rewarding? We honestly can’t think of a more appropriate gift for any parent on our shopping list. What’s that? Not convinced? Read on for a little something more from the book. (Yes, drinking games. Because some of us never outgrow our fondness for childish antics.)
New parent drinking games. Take a shot every time…
- a stranger asks you when you’re due, two months after you’ve given birth
- you lose a sweater to projectile spit-up (take two shots if it was cashmere)
- a car alarm goes off exactly one minute after your baby has finally fallen asleep
- one of your friends’ kids begins sleeping through the night, speaking in full sentences, or getting an early scholarship to Harvard before your child is even out of diapers
- you lose the coupon for diapers
- you get into a fight with your spouse over the correct technique for swaddling
- you get into a fight with your spouse over how often your in-laws want to Skype or FaceTime with the baby
- you get into a fight with your spouse
- somebody gently touches your face and says, “You look completely exhausted!”
- you randomly burst into tears–because having a baby is actually the most incredible thing ever.