Not a Creature Was Stirring

Hibernating Mouse

Yesterday I walked around the backyard, taking in the remainder of the damage from Hurricane Sandy. Our biggest loss was a 70-foot pine tree that crashed down within feet of the house, taking with it two other majestically mature trees. Although we cleaned up that mess a week after the storm, The One is still dragging downed branches and smashed bushes to our Christmas-tree graveyard beyond the back stone wall.

As I sat on the wall, thinking about how exposed we suddenly were to the neighbors—whom we’re thrilled rarely to see, either accidentally or socially–I spied our old grill. I was surprised that it was still standing. After all, it’s a cheap roller version, no bigger than those rickety carts that flight attendants wheel past row after row of passive-aggressive passengers.

Then I remembered a certain family that lived nearby and wondered how they’d weathered the storm. The Peromyscus leucopus family. Field mice, to be exact. Unlike the neighbors who live on either side of us and creep through the thicket of trees (which are now gone, thanks to Sandy) and scare the hell out of us while we have dinner on the patio, this family had never, ever accosted us.

I’m sure they wish they could say the same for us. Two years ago, when we decided to replace that old grill with a brand-new Weber behemoth, I was in the basement when I heard the equivalent of a school yard full of screaming six-year-old girls—followed by a terrifically loud THUNK! I’d long since grown accustomed to such shrieking outbursts from The One, usually when he encountered a snake, a spider, or a driver making an illegal lane change. Yet the Momma Leite instinct in me kicked in and I was off running. I had visions of fingers scattered all over the lawn like pink sprinkles on pistachio gelato due to a run-in with the hedge trimmers, or a bone jutting out of his calf from a fall from the ladder that’s almost as old as me. But when I arrived on the patio, clutching my man boobs and heaving, he was intact, but plaster white. I looked around for any sort of flora or fauna that could’ve triggered his involuntary castrato trill. Nothing.

“Gas them!” he yelled, pointing at the grill. “Incinerate them!”

I lifted the cover, which had been the source of the thunk when The One dropped it, and found a nest of leaves, feathers, down, and grass…occupied by two small mice that were looking up at me with perhaps the most pleading expression I’ve seen since my Mickey Mouse days. As I leaned in closer, I saw a litter of purply-pink pups that looked like a pile of nubbins straight of out Hagrid’s cottage in Harry Potter.

I looked back at The One, as if to say, “This is what scared the girls out of you?”

“Gas them!” he shouted again. I would do no such thing, and he knew it. So, like one of those flight attendants exasperated by an irate passenger, I wheeled the grill to its present spot, careful not to lose even a single nubbin along the way. I removed the gas tank, lest The One’s exterminating tendencies get the better of him, and the grill has sat there untouched and unsightly lo these past two years. Since then, I’ve regularly left canning-jar caps filled with nuts and seeds in the grill for the family, but every time I lifted the lid, all I found was the abandoned nest, crumpled from disuse. Not unlike a rodent Bronx, circa 1975.

Yesterday, though, when I lifted the cover, the nest was unusually tidy. My first thought? Two gay mice have moved in. (Think about it. What’s the first thing we do when we move into a new home? Redecorate.) As I leaned in closer, I saw it. A tiny pink nose twitching. I immediately ran to the shed and poured some bird seed into a small container and placed it in the grill. I checked back this morning, and most of it was gone. I’m still not convinced we’re not landlords to gay mice, as the shells from the sunflower seeds were arranged in a tiny croquembouche cone. Either that or they’re celebrating Christmas early this year.

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Comments
Comments
  1. Stuart B. says:

    Oh, it’s just so sweet. I sat reading this with a smile on my face the entire time. Last night I caught one of the critters in a trap, and laid it out in the back yard to be recycled by a passing carnivore. Then, this afternoon, I see the neighbor’s orange colored outdoor cat prancing out of my yard with the little frozen rodent in it’s mouth. I wonder if he brought it inside my neighbor’s house to show them his trophy? I can only hope. I’ll listen for the castrato trill.

    • David Leite says:

      Stu, Devil Cat is like a stealthy ninja when it comes to any four-legged creature that dares enter our property. And he has dropped many a one on our doorstep. The One really let loose a big castro trill when he came down the stairs one morning and found a dead squirrel in the foyer.

  2. Lauralee Hensley says:

    Too funny. That reminds me of my mom when I was a kid and she saw a baby mouse in the house. Her little 4’10″, maybe 90lbs. soaking wet body jumped straight up onto the top of the washing machine. Not two jumps, literally she jumped that high in one jump. Then she screamed non-stop until my Dad came in. He couldn’t get out of her what was wrong due to the screaming, but he figured it out with her pointing. Unfortunately I witnessed my Dad taking a broom and whacking the baby mouse. It died with the first blow. Then Dad said “Where’s there is one mouse there is more.” So while mom tried to compose herself he went to the store and got traps. It is from him that I learned mice would rather eat peanut butter than cheese and that is what he put on the traps. He got them all within less than a week due to his careful placement of the traps. He also found the small hole where they had found their way into the basement and upstairs from there. So he cemented it in and then sealed the cement with cement sealer a few weeks after he was sure the cement was sealed through. I can still remember laughing at mom as she was screaming at the baby mouse. Then remember my quick silence as I said “Dadddy No!” When he struck the broom blow. Mom wasn’t happy with me laughing at her. She went on and on about various diseases rodents can carry and that I wouldn’t have thought it funny if one of them bite my finger, ear, nose, toe as I slept. She went on and on about a friend getting a finger bite off by a rodent as a little child. I feel sorry for the little mice though and know they have to be more comfortable outside then inside a house with broom stalking humans. Loved your story and LOL about holding the man boobs. You’re a hoot.

    • David Leite says:

      That’s hysterical. And it reminded me that not only is The One capable of jumping four octaves in a single note, he’s also able to stepping onto the counter in a single step. That was when mouse appeared in the country house we had in upstate New York. Such amazing feats of physical prowess in times like these!

  3. Dianne Jacob says:

    Cannot. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

    Glad your Connecticut place is okay, other than foliage deaths.

    Congrats on getting the byline into my email message. I’ll always read your posts.

    • David Leite says:

      Why thank you, Dianne, I’m blushing. When you visit again, I shall show you the mouse house. I’m hoping by them it will be a condo. I’m thinking of putting in a swimming pool (read: a Tupperware container with a wooden spoon for stairs).

  4. Amanda says:

    Just so long as they really are sweet little field mice.

    Some years ago I had a neighbour who lovingly tended a bird feeder which she kept hung in a tree near our fence. Every day, and sometimes twice a day, she would fill it with seed and fruit scraps from her kids, happy in the knowledge that she was nurturing the local bird-life. That was until the day we were sitting in her backyard, enjoying some spring sun, wine and a barbeque, and happened to look up to see a great big rat scuttling along the fence to the bird feeder, snatching his loot and slipping unpleasantly away. The next day the feeder was removed, the local authorities were called to lay baits, and the birds were left to their own devices. ;-)

    • David Leite says:

      I promise. The nubbins were no bigger than a sizable gnocchi.

      We had to ditch the bird feeder too. Not because of rats (do we have rats in the country?) but because of Devil Cat. I refuse to feed the bird population just to offer him a smorgasbord of avian delights. Do you know that son-of-a-gun was eying our four hummingbirds–and their feeder, the kind that sticks to the window, is 10 feet off the ground.

  5. Christine V. says:

    A beautiful story for the holidays (Not up there with “Gift of the Magi,” but still . . .) We had a similar experience with . . . well, rats. We relocated two to the outskirts of town. Unfortunately, one soul critter chose to try to liberate himself in the trunk of our car and garotted himself on the wire cage. RIP.

    • David Leite says:

      To even be in a sentence that contains a work by O Henry is a Christmas gift enough for me. So you had rats in the country??

  6. Beth says:

    Oh, you’ve done it once more, first with “I’d long ago grown accustomed to such shrieking outbursts from The One, usually when he encountered a snake, a spider, or a driver making an illegal lane change” and then again and again, including, but not limited to, “Not unlike a rodent Bronx, circa 1975″!

    Gay mice and croquembouche!

    Oh, I adore you!

  7. Ling says:

    I have to echo Beth’s sentiment–gay mice and croquembouche in one article is sheer out-from-left-field genius. I’m laughing hysterically in my office and all my staff have that “ok she’s finally tipped over the edge” look on their faces.

    Damn I just guffawed into my coffee. Oops…

  8. OH MY GOODNESS you write the best stories, David. This was hilarious. I about died when I read the part about two gay mice being tidy LOL.

    • David Leite says:

      Thank you, Joanne. Well, The One doesn’t have yellow rubber gloves draped over the kitchen faucet for decoration. He’s like my mother–one of the original scrubbing bubbles.

  9. Let’s *hope* they’re gay, as you suspect! I don’t like killing things either, but I’m with The One on this one, David. I don’t want to be overrun with mice – no matter how cute they are!

    • David Leite says:

      Jean, but, but they’re so cute and small…and 200 yards from the house. That’s like 5,856 miles in human distance.

  10. Susan says:

    Gives new meaning to the words “pack rat”…or “Rat Pack”

    My dearest, little Grandmother, whom I always thought of as the ultimate lady, encountered mice in her kitchen on a regular basis. (She lived in a big old gorgeous Tudor home out in the country in Maryland.) Enough that she had traps set in stragic places where they thought they could hide. Every morning she would check the traps and if one had caught a curious critter, she’d pick up the trap, look the creature in the (bulging) eyes and say, “Poor little guy, you shouldn’t have been so nosy.” Then she’d take him to the powder room, lift the bar that smashed it’s furry little neck, all the while sympathizing with it’s untimely demise as she dumped him in the toilet and flushed him to his final resting place in the homes septic system! This from a woman who wore mink carcasses snapped head to tail around her shoulders as was the fashion at the peak of her life!

    • David Leite says:

      Susan, all I can say is I would never want to meet your grammy in a dark alley. She was like the dona of the octogenarian mafia!

      • Susan says:

        I guess what’s lost in the retelling of the mouse incident is her persona. She was lovely, with smiling brown eyes, coifed sliver hair and was always gentle, soft spoken and kind. The mouse disposal was such an unlikely event that you’d never have suspected she was capable of even touching a mouse without eyes wide with horror! I guess you just had to have witnessed it to appreciate it!

        • David Leite says:

          Oh, I definitely got that. You were crystal clear in pointing up the schism. Sometimes it’s the sweet-looking ones who are the most mischievous!

  11. Sofia says:

    Again you’ve done it, brightened my day with a good laughter. Thankfully for me, I work from home so no one’s around to wonder why I was in tears as I was reading it. And thank you for doing your part in saving and helping cute little mice, who, as long as they’re away from the home, will do no harm. Or who knows? Your tenants may become the very next best chef? (Guess I have watched Ratatouille way too many time with my kids to absolutely love those little mice.)

    • David Leite says:

      Well, just doing my job, ma’am. And I forgot entirely about Ratatouille. Gotta watch it again.

  12. Martha in KS says:

    When I was preschool age, a mouse nest was found in the hall closet where we stored our boots. If you’re tender-hearted, don’t read the rest of this.

    My dad flushed the little pink babies down the toilet! Over 50 years later, I can still see those precious naked babies. Heartbreaking! You’re a good person to protect them – at least yours are outside. I must admit that I set traps in my 100 yr. old house to catch the “visitors” who find their way in every winter.

    BTW–Science Lesson–gay mice can’t make babies. Sorry, Sweetie.

    • David Leite says:

      Dorothy, NOOOOOOOOOOO! Shame, shame on father.

      And the first family we found were entirely heterosexual. (In fact, I think I saw a Dos Equis beer bottle cap in there.) It’s the new tenants who moved in recently and took over whom I’m convinced are the happy mice.

  13. shelly says:

    Oh, this brings back memories. On an early summer night we decided to bring the grill out of hibernation. We had a large salmon filet all set, my husband hooked the grill up to the gas line and was quite pleased with himself when it lit on the first go. There was a moderate sized hole on the side that was used to hold wood chips for smoking. Out of this hole, shot a blazing rat. He left a charred trail across the lawn as he fled to safety under the neighbors house. It took a while for us to stop screaming and laughing enough to convey to our neighbor that a flaming rat was in his crawlspace.

    • David Leite says:

      I don’t know whether to wimper for the poor rat or laugh at its pyrotechnics. Ever since we found the first family of mice in the grill, we always, always look before lighting. To paraphrase Smokey the Bear, “Only you can prevent rodent fires.”

  14. Jamie says:

    OMG David, this is brilliant, funny, touching and funny and I had to share it all over the place. And knowing the two of you made it even better since I can so clearly picture the shrieking, the running, the whole scene. I am sitting here in my kitchen not only chuckling but laughing out loud. What a heart-warming story, too. And gosh, you, two similars stories dug their way out of my memory and just popped into my head. Keep writing stories like this, David.

    • David Leite says:

      Why, thank you, Jamie. I would love to hear the two similar stories. (We all have creature stories!)

  15. LOVED this story (I could picture it in living color thanks to your priceless description)…we have our own mouse family living under our grill. Cold in the winter, sweltering in the summer (especially when there are burgers on the menu) but hey, it’s home. Thanks for brightening up my day with another de-Leite-ful story. :)

    • David Leite says:

      Why thank you. That is a de-Leite-ful comment. Does your mouse family stay in the grill in the summer?!

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