I’m fat.
I think that’s pretty obvious the moment you meet me. (Although it’s not always so easy to tell online. I’m a whiz at Photoshop.) What’s not so obvious is that underneath these copious folds of Fatty Daddy flesh is someone grossly unhappy with and sensitive about his weight. Unfortunately, all this corpulence doesn’t buffer me from the insane ways people have of talking to me about my weight.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the easiest person with whom to broach the topic of weight. When you’re obese, you’re defensive. At least I am. And the heavier I get, the more defensive I become. But when The One jiggles my stomach and says he’s rubbing the Buddha belly for good luck, I mean, come on, people! If you prick us, do we not bleed?
So when you talk to someone who’s overweight, especially at this time of year, may I make a few delicate suggestions?
1. Don’t ask, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” We fatties know that’s a pathetically veiled way of asking, “Are you going to try to lose some weight this year?”
2. Never ask us, “Are you going to eat all that?” It may simply be an innocent question indicating you’re covetous of our meal and hoping we’ll share. But all we hear is, “You have the appetite of an American pygmy shrew!” (That’s an animal that literally must eat three times its weight every day or it will die. Why can’t I be so fortunate?) Keep your fork on your own plate.
3. If you’re a parent or significant other, nix the guilt, for cripes’ sake. It always backfires. (I think every time Mama Leite has guilted me about my weight, I’ve gained five pounds in rebound fat. It’s not out of spite, anger, or revenge. My response to guilt is to feel shame. Shame is an unpleasant emotion. I’m an emotional eater. So guilt = shame = eating. Second-grade math, folks.)
4. Don’t say to your adipose husband, “Hey, Hank! I’ll give you five dollars for each pound you lose.” Please. Bribery begins at $50 a pound.
5. Don’t buy one of those fat little pigs that you place in the fridge that oinks every time you open the door. We’ll hurl that thing at your head wicked hard.
6. Under no circumstances should you strike a deal with We Round Ones. No matter how well-intentioned you are, don’t say something like,”If you lose weight, I’ll stop nagging you about being such a rotten daughter-in-law.” That, too, will backfire. (Although I did strike a very shrewd bargain with Mama Leite during the holidays. We agreed that if I lose weight, she won’t hound me about my memoir. See, she’s paranoid about what I’m going to say about her and our family. It’s not the reason I’m losing weight, but it certainly took a lot of pressure off.)
7. At a dinner party, don’t say, “Here, why don’t you take this chair?” pointing toward the overstuffed club chair you dragged into the dining room. Do like my friend Carlotta does and sweetly say, “David, I’d love for you to sit at the head of the table.” And, of course, the only chairs that happen to fit at the head and foot of her table are her sturdiest ones. Not only do I get to preside over the evening, but it saves us both face.
8. Never ask, “Do you know how many Weight Watchers points are in that?” Because while you’re asking that, I’m plotting your murder. My Blubbery Brethren and I know the exact number of points, calories, and grams of carbs and fat in every food known to man. We can calculate to within .0001 percent accuracy the number of calories in a chicken-and-waffles all-you-can-eat buffet. A Turing machine has nothing on us.
9. Please don’t ask us to stand in the front row for a family photograph. We like the background. It hides our girth, and we can prop our chins on the heads of our shorter relatives to camouflage our onerous wattles.
10. And if you don’t know the answer when your beloved asks,”Honey, does this make me look fat?” then, my friend, I feel sorry for you.
Of course, this begs the question: What can you say? Well, that’s different for each person. When my friend Kate Jackson saw on social media that I was eating—wait for it, wait for it—quinoa, she texted me, “So proud of you.” Short, simple, and very encouraging. She even sent along a recipe. That is support.
In the end, it’s not what you say but rather what you don’t say that can help us. We know we’re heavy. We curse every time we have to wrestle with the seat belt. We know the relief that only sweatpants and Lycra can bring. In 2015, some of us will want to lose weight, while some of us will be content with the way we are. Me, I’m gunning to be 100 pounds lighter by Christmas. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. I’d love your help, encouragement, and support. But if you come around saying, “It’s just a matter of portion control,” I swear I’ll sit on you.
Hi David, I just read your article. It has been my lifetime struggle to reach that “magic weight.” After going up and down for years, since September I have lost 26 lb and down 3 sizes, I have tailor-made a plan for me, not for anyone else and you are right, it’s not about that magic portion size. I have been a life time Weight Watcher several times, gained and lost and have every size in my closet. Well, all I can say is something clicked with me. My passion is wine, food and sharing that passion. I am someone who wants to and loves food and wine. I live to eat, not eat to live. That is who I am. I cannot be someone else who is okay with a bite or two and says “Im full.” That’s not me. Someone told me one time, Lisa, you’ll never be able to manage your weight in this business. Well, I am here to tell you it’s can be done. I will always be plus sized- I will be elated to be size 12 or 14, I’m curvy anyway. And, I am glad that this is the year of the butt! I am half Sicilian and we got butt! Doesn’t matter how much I lose, the butt will be there, at least I am finally in style, for once. Something just “clicked” with me. At almost 56, I decided to accept me for who am I and how I look, and went from there. I will always look like me, just a smaller and toner version. If I try to tell you what I eat and how I eat, it may or may not fit into your life. YOU have to find that yourself. I always hated when other people told ME how to eat. One things for sure, I don’t eliminate any food group from my daily eating. I love wine, food everything else that is considered “trigger foods.” But this time, I have figured out how to eat more of the “green light foods” for lack of a better name, and use the other trigger foods more as a treat. I still eat pasta, but that is a treat. I still drink wine, DUH! but not everyday–that was hard but I’m used to it now. I don’t cut out carbs, but I eat better carbs an d choose wisely when I eat them. I can go on and on, but I no longer punish myself, you know that’s what its all about, punishing ourselves because of our obvious “lack of control.” I knew I was getting okay when I could walk into the gym with gym clothes in September — it was rough, I felt like everyone was staring in disgust but I got tough, put blinders on and now I do Cross Fit, kettle bell classes and TRX. And its paying off. I can’t tell you what to do or how to eat, that is YOUR journey, but I CAN tell you that if you “just do it” Take care of yourself for YOU, it just starts working. NO PUNISHMENTS ALLOWED! This is a way to treat yourself. I eat high quality meats–all kinds, veggies. We have an edge over those who don’t know how to cook, we are gourmet cooks and know how to make food taste and look amazing with less of the bad stuff and more of the good stuff. It’s amazing what you can do with veggies such as zucchini, spaghetti squash and get as satisfied as eating half a box of pasta, I know because I’ve done it.Cauliflower has become the new potato chip. Toss in olive oil, seasonings and roast till crispy, dip in a curry dip or just eat from the pan. Much more satisfying that a a chip. So eat that during the week and have a burger with chips on the weekend, your treat. It works. I too have as much to loose, I am 1/4 of the way down and that has inspired me to go on. Every pound down, I look better, younger and my face looks more youthful. I need every bit of that–I’ll be 56 soon. I am not ready to go “to seed” I am not ready to wear old lady clothes and be dismissed by everyone that I pass by. I want to be noticed still and feel good, and not torture myself being a victim to a fork and wine glass. You can still be you and be successful at feeling and looking good. Wouldn’t it be fun to write that article?
I also forgot to say, “I have changed my “story” We all define ourselves by our story—I am in the process of changing mine–and I have had to change the story I tell people–for instance, I had achilles tendon reconstructive surgery and also screwed up my knee which has prevented me from running-which was a HUGE part of my life. So, I walked into Crossfit (X Factor at my gym) and immediately started making excuses about my plight about what I could and couldn’t do. So, I looked over at another person in the class—she had one leg, young girl 24, freak accident. After that, I changed my story.
No one else can do it as good as I can for myself because I know myself the best, so dammit, I did it (in the process of) myself. Becoming a better version, updated version of me, still the same girl, just better.
Lisa, all I can say is thank you. This is such an amazing comment. So much power and awareness here.
Delightful, as always, David.
And — speaking as a reformed glutton who earned every single pound gained and lost — if I can do it, you can do it.
Gary, I know. I was floored to know you lost so much weight–and kept it off. Good for you!
You are a handsome man David, and when you lose weight you will still be a handsome man, not more handsome, only a smaller good looking man.
Thank, Stu. And thank you again!