Devil with a Red Apron on

In Devil with a Red Apron on, David Leite recounts the trouble, frustration, and exasperation of trying to learn his family’s favorite Portuguese recipes from his mother.

Illustration of a woman in a red apron holding a pot of stew

Enter my mother’s kitchen, a domain she’s ruled with benign autocracy for more than 59 years, and all physical laws and culinary edicts cease to exist there. It’s like finding yourself in the loony world of a Warner Bros. cartoon where pain is comical, time and space are elastic, and gravity acts as if it never heard of Sir Isaac Newton. For example, when making garnish for a dish, my mother will grab a gargantuan bunch of parsley and, with the ferocity of the Tasmanian Devil, buzz through it in seconds, leaving a thimble-size pile of green flecks. She is a human Ginsu knife.

Best Food Writing 2005
Featured in
2005 Bert Greene Award
Finalist

Apparently, in her kitchen, short tempers seem to cause short cooking times, too. Proof: She will fill a pot with water, dump in three fistfuls of dried fava beans, add a 10-ounce link of Portuguese sausage, called chouriço, and crank the flame to high. If she’s had a rough day, she’ll give the pot a hooded glance, and the soup is roiling in minutes. Whoever said a watched pot never boils never knew my mother.

On her “Me Days,” though—peaceful afternoons when all she has to do is write several dozen e-mails, wash and iron my father’s underwear, and reorganize the silverware drawer—she’ll go through the identical process of soup making. Yet the pot, even though set over the same heat, will only burble, never boil, no matter how long it’s been on the stove. Considering her preternatural ways in the kitchen, it’s no wonder that until the age of 12 I was terrified that I was a real-life Damien, as depicted in the film The Omen: a prepubescent possessor of dark and supernatural powers.

But despite her ample gifts at the stove, she has one of the worst batterie de cuisine in New England. Search her cupboards and cabinets, and there’s not a cookbook, measuring cup (save the one she got from Weight Watchers in 1964), or measuring spoon to be found. The one knife she does have is older than me, and every so often my father trundles to the basement, puts on his protective goggles, flicks on the rotary grinder, and files off another sixteenth of an inch in the name of sharpness.

It was into this anarchic and wacky kitchen that I walked to learn our family’s repertoire of Portuguese cuisine.

I began by pestering my mother for recipes, which proved futile because I soon discovered she didn’t cook with any. Sure, tucked away in a bedroom drawer was a green leather-bound telephone directory (circa 1958) filled with a sizable collection of recipes that she had carefully transcribed onto its gray pages—under the correct alphabetical tab, of course. But these recipes were so lackluster and ordinary, nothing like the dishes she makes nowadays, that my only recourse was to cook with her.

So there we stood, side by side, weekend after weekend: her chopping, dicing, poking, and pounding, and me frantically scooping ingredients into measuring cups or weighing them on a scale that I’d brought from home before she could elbow her way to the stove and toss it all in a big pan.

“Measuring cups are for wimps,” she warned, pointing her knife at me. Then she held out her cupped hand: “This is all you need.” I put my hand alongside hers; it was three times the size.

“But Ma,” I tried to explain, “measuring is the only way to standardize a recipe. To know exactly what you do.”

“You really want to know what I do?” she asked tenderly.

“Yes, I do,” I said. “I really do.”

“Then stand here for the next 43 years, and you’ll get the hang of it,” she said. “How do you like them bananas!” And with that, she directed her superhuman energies to sawing through five pounds of onions—all without shedding a tear.

Out of desperation, I hit upon the idea of videotaping her cooking. That way she could whiz about and improvise as much as she wished, and all I’d have to do was keep rewinding the tape until I deciphered the recipes.

And improvise she did. If a three-pound pork shoulder wasn’t available for a dish, in went a four-pound chuck roast.

“When will it be done?” I asked of the unusual substitution.

“When it’s done,” was the standard-issue answer.

If a trip to the local fishmonger for two dozen littlenecks was a bust, she’d make a quick calculation then swap out a dozen quahogs or two quarts of Ipswich clams.

“We’ll keep the extras for chowder,” she’d say, taking a deep whiff of the briny, sandy bag. “How’s that, kiddo?”

Vegetables were the worst, though. For the past 25 years, the entire family—all 66 of us—assumed long before I was baptized that the 15,000 square feet of land beyond my parents’ yard would be given to me when I turned 21, so I could build a house. That’s what you do when you’re Portuguese: cook and bequeath land. Sensing my reluctance, given that I had my heart set on New York City from the time I was 10 years old, my father commandeered the plot and turned it into one of the most astonishingly fecund gardens in the Northeast.

That meant armfuls of corn, fava beans, potatoes, cabbage, kale, tomatoes, onions, squash, and carrots were added to my mother’s nightly improv. So what if her carne assada (roast beef) calls for potatoes? The carrots were perfect that day, so in they went instead. Her New England boiled dinner looked a little anemic? No problem. A half head of cabbage, a few turnips, and a splash of my father’s homemade white wine were added for good measure. By this time I had gone through more footage than Quentin Tarantino did while filming the monumental Kill Bill.

But after five years of skirmishes, I triumphed. I finally cobbled together a surprisingly reasonable facsimile of our beloved family dishes, some of which my mother even approves.

Not long ago, I was in my kitchen making a decidedly unPortuguese meal—marinated flank steak, thyme-and-rosemary-flecked potato wedges, and honey-lavender salad dressing. And although I had my laptop and a magazine sprawled open on the counter, I barely took a look. While my measuring cups and spoons sat on a shelf, I found myself freelancing at the stove, tossing in a handful of herbs, sprinkling a good four-finger pinch of fleur de sel, turning the balsamic vinegar and soy sauce bottles upside down to let the liquid glug into the Pyrex dish until it felt right. Bastante, I heard my mother say. Enough.

Remarkably, the dinner was wonderful. A guest asked for the recipes and as I got up to get them, I realized there really were none. After all those years of cooking (read: battling) with my mother, she had taught me to rely upon my senses instead of a book to make something out nothing. Maybe I am Damien after all. Originally published May 3, 2004.

David Leite's signature

Comments

  1. My uncle was a chef and after he retired, he would bring my family dinner. I would ask for the recipe and as chance would have it, he just threw stuff in a pot and voila! My aunt sat near the stove and wrote down his ing and measurements after much prodding. I didnt get all that I would have liked as he passed away. :(

  2. I’m Portuguese and was brought up in a kitchen much like yours. So much so that I can hardly ever follow a recipe through exactly, even when it is my own, and find it incredibly difficult to give anyone recipes for anything I do! Thank you so much for your writings and your sharing of an American take on the Portuguese food I know and love! And congratulations, it always thrills me to read anything you write!

    1. Helena, thank you for your kind words! It’s amazing how much the cooks in our families know–all without recipes. I wish you the best with your cooking. And if you have children, do try to teach them–even if it’s just by sight. We need to keep our recipes alive and growing.

        1. Helena,

          I have two daughters. I started them both in the kitchen from the moment they could sit on their own. I would get a tablecloth, place it on the floor, and sit them on it with the ingredients. Their first kitchen duties were to peel garlic and onions as well as the remove the leaves of parsley, cilantro etc. Of course I would get their work partly chewed off, but it never bothered me as the fact of tasting is half the battle for them to become great eaters when older. Yet your living in Portugal is a huge help with children, as they get used to from an early age that food is king!

  3. David, will you please let Momma Leite know that since I read this, every single time I make chickpea or bean soup, I cannot help but think of her glaring at the pot and willing it to boil, and I try to channel her… !!

    1. Dear Ling. Thanks for your precious words about “willing the pot to boil!” Hey, Ling, every lady who’s in command of her kitchen will do wonders, including glaring and “willing pots to boil!” We hope you’re as successful! Hee Hee. God bless you and welcome to “the family!” :) It’s a joy to know that I’m thought of in such a humorous manner!

      Momma and Poppa Leite

  4. How did I miss this writing? Absolutely loved it. I have always been one to wing it and I can already see my older daughter following my steps and hence the reason baking is so strenuous for me. But since recipe testing and forcing myself to actually follow a recipe, I see the benefit of it, especially now as I am slowly going through every single recipe my grandmother wrote in her life. What comes through even stronger in this story is the HUGE bond there is between you and your mother, which is priceless and canNOT be translated in “cups and measuring spoons” as the winging it is what makes it special. Imagine if your mother would have actually followed recipes, she would have simply given them to you and you would have missed all those precious moments you two spend. I AM thankful I have my grandmother’s writings, but even happier I had the chance to spend many days in the kitchen with her and her right hand lady, Maria, a traditional Portuguese cook who would yell at my grandmother for refining and modernizing the traditional Portuguese dishes!

    1. Sofia, you’re so right. There is a special bond between cooks–whether mother and daughter, mother and son, grandmother and grandchild. History and family tradition are passed along sitting at the table shucking fava beans or stringing kale. And that’s something that can’t be measured, but can be felt.

      And you hit it on the head: My mom and I have this incredible bond. She and I couldn’t be any similar. It drives The One crazy!

  5. Dear Nicole, thank you for your wonderful comments. Yes, we’re proud and praising God. We appreciate you taking the time. The story is a “hoot”and…it’s all true.Trust us! Momma and Poppa Leite

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