Trick or Treat for the Childless

Stone Devil

Every Halloween, in the elevator of my apartment building, there’s a sign-up sheet for residents willing to welcome treat-or-treaters. It’s never a long list, mostly just a few names of people pressured into opening their apartments so desperate parents have a few places their kids can beg for candy. See, in the city it’s considered poor etiquette to hit up another hi-rise for Halloween hooch–some parents would even say it’s dangerous without a background check and saliva sample of every tenant.

And each October, with all good intentions, I promise myself that this will be the year I’m one of those people every parent is grateful for and every kid loves. The one who dresses up in some whacked-out bizarre—but not child-molester bizarre—costume and hands out high-sucrose booty by the shovelful. I’ve even gone so far as to come up with schematics of how I’ll transform my apartment’s gallery into a chamber of horrors rivaled only by Dexter, with synthetic cobwebs, red Karo-syrup blood, and a severed hand or two poking out of the coat closet for added effect. Read more “Trick or Treat for the Childless” »

My Beans are Gay

My beans are gay. Let me explain.

This morning I was messing around with Facebook Live Streaming. You know, that new thing where you point your phone’s camera at yourself and hope a lot of people will watch your antics. But I actually had a question I needed advice on from my Facebook followers.

You’ll see from the video above that I accidentally planted Royal Burgundy Bush Beans. I say “accidentally” because 1.) I thought I had planted pole beans (and was desperately trying to make them climb—which the plants, for some inexplicable reason, refused to do), and 2.) I didn’t consider the color purple even when there was a basket of plump purple beans on the package. I figured it meant Burgundy as in Burgundy, France, or, you know, Burgundy, Wisconsin. (Is there a Burgundy, Wisconsin?) Read more “My Beans are Gay” »

David Hosts The Splendid Table

The Splendid Table June 10

Heads up. You absolutely, 100 percent have to listen to the latest episode of The Splendid Table. And not because I’m hosting. Well, all right, maybe partly because I’m hosting. We have a remarkable lineup of talented folks and experts whose very words you’ll be hanging on to–whether they’re talking about love in all its egregious and ecstatic forms, the making of pie crust, or Peruvian-ified fried rice. And let’s not forget recipes.

At the top of the show is one of contemporary writing’s most outrageous and controversial memoirists–Augusten Burroughs, author of the bestselling memoirs Running With Scissors and Dry. Augusten sat down with me to discuss his latest book, Lust & Wonder. Also, don’t miss our podcast in which Augusten reads a hilarious excerpt from his book about Thanksgiving dinner and a lost tooth.

Then we shift to Splendid Table correspondent Shauna Sever, who talks preserving food Italian-style with Domenica Marchetti, author of Preserving Italy. (Trust me, you won’t want to miss out on Domenica’s Pear Mustard recipe.) Read more “David Hosts The Splendid Table” »